Oh
if you knew
what you've done
to me,
how would you feel
I wonder?
Disgusted?
Overjoyed?
Ashamed?
Accomplished?
Would you feel . . .
real?
Would you feel as real
as the cut
the blood you drew
from that wine bottle opener
you used
to keep me quiet
and scared?
Would you feel . . .
sick?
Would you feel as sick
as the boy you left
vomiting on the ground
unknowingly changing
the lives of all three
of the people in that room
and not just your own?
Would you feel . . .
numb?
Would you feel as numb
as I wish I could feel
when I dream
when I think
how what you did was nothing
but still makes me cry,
makes me gag,
makes me want to carve the word
"No."
into your skin
next to the cut
from that night?
Would you feel . . .
confused?
Would you feel confused
to know
that it's been nearly 3 years
and I was triggered today?
To think that I am not
"over it"?
AND
Would you still do it?
Please,
god.
Please tell me.
Would you?
It took me over six months to cry after that day.
Six.
Lonely.
Abandoned.
Blocked.
Attention-seeking whore.
Faker.
Fucking.
Months.
Did you ever even shed
ONE TEAR
for any of it?
1.13.20